Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Never Grow Up

I'm not a fan of my kids growing up. I have friends who seem to embrace every new milestone, and appreciate the new independence and abilities their children are acquiring as they age, and I wonder, "why can't I feel more like that?" I try so hard to live in the moment; really enjoy the little people my kids are becoming, and look forward to their next new accomplishment. But, more often than not, I find myself lamenting each new phase, and mourning the loss of a once treasured toy, book, or movie. Why can't they be sweet, little, and innocent forever? Why do they have to put away childish things and move away? Why can't Philip adore Caillou until he is 18? (Okay, not seriously. Maybe eight?).

So many of my friends seem to rejoice when it's time to give away the crib and not carry around diapers anymore. I hope when that day finally comes for me that I am finally ready for it, too.

I "red-shirted" Philip for kindergarten. He could've/should've gone this fall, but his teachers felt it best for his emotional and social development if he repeated his first preschool year, so that's what we did. Although it wasn't a decision I arrived at easily, I have to admit that one of the reasons it appealed to me on a mom level was that I could postpone sending him out into the big, bad world of school bus bullies and peer influence and keep him little one more year. And, even though the day will come a whole year later when I'll finally have to put him on that big yellow bus, I'll still be up all night in tears, dreading the sunrise. I know I will.

My kids getting older doesn't make me excited. It makes me anxious, clingy, and nostalgic. I love the baby days. Heck, I love the newborn days. I love the toddler days. The rocking and singing lullabies to sleep. I love that my kids still need me in an uninhibited, not embarrassing, full of honesty and innocence kind of way. Admittedly, I don't look forward to the day when I'm not the center of their universe. :-p

Hopefully it will just be a natural progression of time passing that causes me not to tear up when I change out one school picture for the next. When I finally accept that there is nothing in the toddler section for my son after size 5T. When there's no where left for me to shop for him but the
big boys" section, the one that's filled with licensed character pajamas featuring Lego Star Wars, Ninja Turtles, and something called "Mine Craft" [("Mind Craft?" I don't even know. Correction: I don't  to know!)]  Where none of the clothes say "Daddy's Little Quarterback." (Reading over this, I realize that clothing seems to cause me a lot of mental anguish :-p). The day my PJ-loving oldest decides footie pajamas are no longer for him may be the day I finally go and get that anxiety prescription I very well may need.

I do find that seeing Philip get older and tackle all of these firsts, first, is much harder on me than watching his little brother do them two years later. I am hopeful that will help me get through the many passing stages and phases that lay ahead of us with Andrew and Lydia. I just pray that watching my baby leave her babyhood behind her doesn't cause me even more stress than watching my oldest do it!

Philip, age 5

Andrew, age 3

Lydia, 8 months

"Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up"

Taylor Swift, "Never Grow Up"

Monday, September 30, 2013

Just knowing

The eternal question: How do you know when your family is complete? Google produces few helpful answers. The most common response seems to be "you just know." I've asked moms who have declared their families complete how they knew they were done. Evidently, they "just did."

Phil and I always talked in terms of three kids. Scratch that. When we started dating we talked numbers right away. He said two. I said three or four. I knew my family line up while they were just a twinkle in the sky. Boy, boy, girl...

I miscarried my first pregnancy at 7 weeks 5 days. Upon seeing those glorious pink lines I began shopping right away for gender neutral baby apparel. It seemed a real possibility to have either a son or a daughter. Speculation ran wild for those three short weeks.

The pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum--the earliest of stages of a baby that was not meant to be. My only pregnancy during which I never had any gut feelings about the baby's gender.

When I became pregnant with our son, I wasn't more than eight weeks along before I purchased the bedding for his bedroom: antique police cars from Pottery Barn Kids, in honor of his dad. It would be months before the baby's gender would be revealed in an ultrasound but, in my heart, I knew the child growing inside of me was my son. My baby boy. The firstborn I had always imagined.  It wasn't even a true surprise during my 20 week ultrasound when my suspicions were confirmed. I had known all along.

As my pregnancy with baby number two bumped along, my heart told me from the beginning that this child was our second boy; Philip's baby brother. But this time I let doubt creep in a bit more as the anatomy scan drew near. Maybe it could be a girl? So many strangers, upon seeing me pregnant and out and about with my one year old son, even went so far as to ask "is it a girl?" before they even knew how far along I was. Possibly this could be our daughter? Maybe we would have one of each and be done? But I knew better. And when the tech confirmed that Andrew was a boy, I thought to myself, of course he is. I always knew that.

Now I had two sons and well-meaning family assumed (sometimes even decided) we were done. Statistics even told me a third child after two children of the same gender was more likely to be the same gender as its siblings than the opposite gender. But my heart longed, nay ached for a daughter (a subject for another post). Of course, I knew I wanted three children, be the third boy or girl, and expanding our family was a decision made on our desire to add another member to it rather than to "try for a girl." I didn't feel complete after my second child was born, at least I know that for sure. I knew that, God willing, I'd be back on that maternity floor delivering our third child. It was just a matter of when.

I got pregnant with our third child in April of 2012 and the desire to know what we were having was all consuming. So much so that I couldn't wait for the anatomy scan this time to find out. Instead I went at 16 weeks and paid to have a gender reveal scan done. I'm not ashamed to say that I wanted to know if we were expecting a boy or a girl before everyone else would also expect to know. If we were having our third boy, I wanted to deal with any feelings I may have had over not having the girl I was hoping for in private. My sister-in-law had a baby girl in 2011. My sister found out she was expecting a girl in 2012. It was a club I was so hoping to become a member of. And when the tech typed the words It's a... GIRL up on that screen my heart seemed to both stop and explode at the same time. How lucky was I to have the family I had always imagined? Three beautiful, healthy children. Two boys and a girl. My dreams made into my reality in four and a half short years' time.

Now our family would feel complete. Right? Surely I would leave that hospital the following January with the feeling that everyone was present and accounted for and my husband could finally breathe a sigh of relief. ;) But almost nine months later I still don't have that contentedness I was hoping to have. While I know that if we were to be done having children right now I'd feel more peace than I would have felt had we stopped after Andrew was born, I know I would not feel total peace. And as much as the idea of another nine months of sickness and agony makes me want to call up my O.B. and ask for that birth control prescription he keeps reminding me is available, my thoughts of one empty seat at the kitchen table, one open seat in the back of the minivan, continue to creep into my mind on a daily basis. Maybe someone is still missing after all?

Thankfully my husband continues to be open to the possibility of just one more. Neither of us has made up our mind either way; only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm not parting with the baby clothes until I too "just know."

My new job title: Stay at home Mom

I got my first real job after college at the end of December 2007. Days after my interview, I got pregnant with my first child. At the time, I was working a part-time job for the local county government while trying to find something full-time. Morning sickness set in, and I ended up leaving that position in March of 2008. It was nice to be able to rest when I wanted to and not worry about getting dressed during the day if I wasn't feeling up to it. I was sick for the majority of my pregnancy. I was still waiting on my security clearance to go through for my new job and didn't know when that would end up happening. I didn't start work full time until June of 2008, right before my third trimester began.

Philip was born when I was just three months at my new job and I went back full time in December of 2008 after my maternity leave when he was three months old. That same month, we also bought our first house and my position as a working mom was solidified. It was hard. I worked full time for the next two years, always around Phil's work schedule. At the time he worked 6 pm to 2 am five days a week so we made it work without childcare. In 2010, he changed jobs, and was put on a 2 on, 2 off, three on, schedule. As a result, I had to switch to part time work in order to fit in my hours on his days off. From that point in time up until August 2013, I worked between 20 and 30 hours per week around Phil's schedule, without childcare. And it was a logistical nightmare. One that resulted in my frequently being stressed out and unhappy. I couldn't be a good employee and a good mother at the same time when I was trying to be both things at once. But being married to a civil servant and not making a boatload of cash myself, paid child care for our two children was out of the question. We had to press on, making it work, often at the cost of my mental health.

In May 2013, Phil was presented for an opportunity to take on a part-time position, at twice the pay of my hourly wage, to work around his full time job. With him working this new job while also working a full-time job, and being a part-time college student, it made the most sense logisically for one of us to assume the role of breadwinner, while they other assumed the role of full-time care taker for our soon to be three children. Thankfully this was an arrangement we both arrived at happily and that felt right to the both of us. Although I was anxious about no longer earning a regular paycheck, I was more than happy to leave the stress of my ever-changing, constantly stressful, never truly part-time, part-time job of five years behind.

I've been at home full time for a month now and while being a stay-at-home mom is by no means easy and certainly has its own daily stresses, not having to also be a working mom, often at the same time, has been such a huge relief. I am a happier, nicer mom and wife. I love being able to be more involved at Philip and Andrew's preschool and not having to see the sad look on my children's faces when I leave for work. I like the traditional role of at home mom. I have never been a career-minded individual. All I have ever truly aspired to be in this life was a mother, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I still very much feel like I want and need to be bringing in some kind of an income, but I am looking forward to having the time available to figure out how I am going to go about doing that in the future. I in no way, shape, or form wish to go back to the line of work I did before. While the benefits and flexibility were great, the monotony and pressure of the work were soul-crushing. If I have to work for a living, I hope I can find something that brings in a paycheck and also makes me at least moderately happy. In the meantime, I am enjoying being right where I have wanted to be since the moment we brought our first child home from the hospital--at home with my kids. It's a blessing I will not take for granted, even on the toughest days.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

A lot has happened in the year since I stepped away from blogging...

Most notably...

Lydia Marie
1.14.2013 @ 4:58 pm
7 lbs 1 oz 20 in

...and I have a lot of catching up to do!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Phil's 30th Birthday



Phil turned 30th on March 21st. He was off for his birthday, the lucky dog, and got to spend the day at home with his boys. I had to head out to work that morning so the boys and I gave him his birthday present (a Little Giant ladder he had been coveting for a long time) and cards before I left. Philip was so excited for him to rip into that big box but a little confused and uninterested when he saw what the gift was. LOL. That is, until Phil took it out later to play with it and Philip discovered he could climb on it. Then it was cool again!

The day started off rainy and cloudy but by the time I got home we spent the afternoon it was beautiful out so we spent some time playing outside before heading out to dinner in town at Chili's. Phil and I each got chicken fajitas and the boys shared a chicken crispers kids meal. I love that they can share one meal and have it be plenty! I'll miss that when they're ordering everything off the menu when they're teenagers!

I spared Phil the torture of having strangers sing to him in exchange for going home and having Philip and I sing to him. We had homemade German chocolate cake and ice cream which the boys especially enjoyed.

It was a nice, quiet day at home with our family. I can't believe one of us is now in our 30s (and that my own birthday on 4/21 is less than a month away as a result). We met when we were both 5 years old. Hard to believe that was a quarter of a century ago! :-p

Happy Birthday to darling husband. I'm so looking forward to discovering what our 30s have in store for us together. <3

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Andrew @ 18 Months Old

Andrew turned 18 months old on 2/17. Halfway to two already. It's hard to believe he's already 18 months old and at the same time it's hard to believe he's only 18 months old. Mostly, because it feels like he's been here forever. He feels firmly entrenched in our family now; a full-fledged member. For the first year or so he was still a n00b we were trying to get used to. Now he's in the club. ;)

Andrew at 18 months is often mistaken by people who don't know us for at least two years old, if not older. He had his well child visit on the seventeenth and he's right around 70th percentile for both height and weight (33 inches and 27.5 pounds, respectively). So while's he's bigger than his brother was at this age, he's by no means gigantic. He's pretty advanced physically (he's walking, running, climbing, wrestling... eep), and he's pretty coordinated. He can already throw and kick a ball. He's also talking a lot. The pediatrician asked us if he has at least a dozen words yet and I told her he was starting to put short sentences together ("I want juice," etc). Maybe these things in combination with his slightly larger than average size are what make people think he's older.

Speaking of his size, we just moved him into size 24 month tops. The 18 month tops were getting too short and tight on him as he has a rather prominent little belly. He has room to grow in 24 months. The length of his 18 month pants is good but they're getting tight in the thighs (thanks daddy) and starting to get a little snug in the waist (he's got the "Surber belly" for sure). They're way too long though. So he's already throwing me for a loop with the clothing. I think he's also in a size 6 shoe. Philip's in an 8. At this rate, I'm wondering if before long Philip will be wearing Andrew's hand me downs!

As far as his speech goes, that continues to develop more and more each day. Right now, he's enjoying saying "no" in response to everything, something big brother has been coaching him on. Nice.  His list of new/newish words include: book, dog, juice, buddy, brother, bear, coco (cookie), car, Buzz (as in Lightyear), Nana, and "tea" which is his word for "pick  me up or put me down."

He's got all four of his first molars. Not even sure when that happened! In the past month he's been teathing like crazy. I think his total tooth count is up to 12. Speaking of teething, that's been different. With Philip, you barely noticed he was teething. Andrew is a different story. His sleep is affected. He cheeks turn bright red. He drools. And, oh yeah, he bites. The biting is getting better, I guess, but also getting pretty old. He's not biting so much out of curiosity and teething anymore as much as he is biting out of retaliation and frustration. This hasn't been a good thing for his brother who often bears the brunt of it. We're trying to work with him on it but that's going about as well as trying to put a one year old in time out (which we've only had marginal success with at this point).

He's really taken an interest in books lately. I just recently started a bedtime routine with him where we read a couple of books and I sing him the songs we sing to Philip at bedtime and then say his prayers. He loves looking at the books and will grab them at bedtime and hop into the chair ready to read. We sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star at night and he has just recently started trying to sing it himself during the day. He can say twinkle and star. It's really cute.

He loves Finding Nemo and Toy Story. Disney Pixar continues to get more and more of our money. It's so cute hearing him say Nemo. It comes out "me-mo." The boys have DVD players in the car (Andrew's still not a happy traveler) and he always gets sad when Nemo turns off and cries out "No, Me-mo!"). He loves movies and television in general, as awful as that sounds. I know he watches more tv than he should, but I find that's really hard to avoid when you have an older child and, seriously, I need to get dinner made in the evening. The AAP can kiss it on that one; he has better verbal skills than some preschoolers I know. Alas, he also loves that wretched little brat Caillou just as much as his brother does so we hear a lot of his whining voice in our house these days.

He's very attached to mommy, although that's nothing new. I think it's a little late for the typical separation anxiety period, but he's definitely got a lot of that going on. It's at the point where I don't know if it's better to sneak away when I have to go out for work, or say goodbye and deal with the tears. I think either way he cries but it's even more sad now that he cries out "mommy" when he wants me. Especially at night.

He loves playing outside with his brother and he's absolutely fearless, tackling the big slide on the swing set and already trying to climb the rope ladder. So different from Philip, who's just starting to get really comfortable with those things himself. He's well on his way to full-blown dare devil status. And he's a runner. Where Philip would always stay close by at that age (and still does), Andrew likes to test his boundaries (and our speed). Thinking a fence is going to be a necessity and soon! He also loves bathtime and water in general. He did great in the pool last year and I'm excited for warm weather so he can get some more time in the water this year (another way in which he's so different from Philip, who still cries almost every time he has to have his hair washed).  He loves to splash and hardly flinches when he gets water in his face (even going so far as to blow bubbles in the tub--not something we're encouraging!).

He's also a total mess-maker. Philip was such a neat and tidy eater. I always marveled at how having a self-feeding toddler was nothing like the way it was portrayed on tv. With Philip, a crumb was rarely out of place. With Andrew, I'm pretty sure our high chair will be destined for the curb by the time he's through wreaking meal time havoc upon it. We've totally given up on putting the cushioned cover on it. It's just not worth it. He also loves to go into the playroom and pull out everything he can find and dump it onto the floor, just to watch it pile up. Good times.

He's still a helper though and will help put toys away and throw things in the garbage if we ask him to. One of his favorite things to do is throw away his dirty diapers. The downside to this is he's also thrown a lot of things away that weren't garbage! Some of them rescued in time, others we suspect not.

He still eats and sleep great. Most days he eats more (and faster) than Philip at meal time and he sleeps all night. He still doesn't nap as long as I'd like. Most days it's only an hour. How I miss Philip's two two hour naps at that age! The boys usually take their nap at the same time with Andrew waking up first so it's nice to get an hour of alone time with him before Philip wakes up.

He (along with Philip) are still rear-facing in the car. :) He had a brief period of not wanting to be strapped into the seat but that's not all that new with him. He seems like he might outgrow his seat sooner than Philip though (in height and weight) which means I'm sure I'll need to buy a new seat for him to stay rear-facing in eventually. Whoohoo! ;)

Less than six months until his second birthday. I've already begun setting aside ideas for both boys as their parties are two weeks apart. I have several ideas in mind for Andrew so I need to get busy narrowing them down. The big 2 will be here before I know it!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Valentine's Day

Our family's Valentine's gifts

I'm not big on turning minor holidays into big gift-giving events, but I love Valentine's Day and I think it's a nice excuse to spoil the one(s) you love, just a little. So I did. :)
Ready to rip into their gifts

Very excited to discover the Clifford stuffed animal he had been eyeing at Target

Andrew got Curious George and the Curious George movie with Will Ferrel and Drew Barrymore


The next day was Philip's Valentine's day party at school. Phil was working so I took Andrew to be a part of the festivities. He was so excited to be there and to be included. He loves going to Philip's classroom.
Enjoying a cookie

Add caption

One of my three handsome valentines :)

Excited to receive his first valentines from his classmates

Heart art

Getting some guidance from Mrs. Allen

P was the letter of the week!

And of course, P is for Philip! Mrs. Edwards joked with Philip when she saw his picture that now they wouldn't have to pin him on the bulletin board after all. :)

Andrew joined story time. He decided to have another snack while he listened.

Mrs. Edwards and Mrs. Allen's Preschool Class